The holidays are a chance to relax, reconnect with family, and celebrate together. But for many , this fun and festive time is also fraught with the potential for awkward, uncomfortable, and even upsetting interactions with loved ones. But fear not! The tips below will help you mentally prepare so you can make the most of your time with family. Additionally, they will equip you with strategies to manage any challenging conversations or conflicts that may arise as you spend quality time with your nearest and dearest.

Before you get together with family:

• Be grateful. Take time to think deliberately about all you have to be thankful for. Make a list of each family member you’ll spend time with and write down 1-2 things you appreciate about each person. Gratitude has a positive impact on your emotional health, reduces stress, and will create a different mindset and context for your family holiday. By being mindful of what you like and appreciate about each person you are more likely to “see” those things in your interactions with them.
• Prepare yourself. Be prepared for some conflict, and approach time with family with a sense of realism. Prepare yourself to stay neutral and avoid taking comments personally. You know who in your family may rub you the wrong way or try to start an argument. Consider making a plan in advance for how you will handle these interactions so you aren’t reacting out of stress or anger in the moment.
• Communicate in advance. Let your family know about your plans and expectations for how you will spend your time. For example, your sister may assume you’ll want to spend ALL your time with her, while you plan to visit other friends during your time off. Letting her know early what your plans are will help avoid hurt feelings and enable you to set expectations and establish boundaries in advance of your visit.
• Be realistic about change. As families grow and time passes, traditions and rituals often change. Accept that you may have to let some go, and put your energy into finding new ways to celebrate together that fit with your and your family’s life circumstances.

While you are with your family:

• Keep conversations neutral. Avoid discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion or politics, or when you will get married or graduate (if these are sensitive issues), or other issues that tend to cause conflict. If a family member tries to start a conversation that will probably become an argument, change the subject or find a reason to leave the room. Remember – it takes two to tango! By adjusting your response to the other person, you can alter the dynamic of the relationship.
• Choose not to respond. If you are feeling attacked or criticized by something a family member says to you, ask yourself “Do I NEED to respond?” When we respond out of anger or defensiveness, the situation is likely to escalate. Surprisingly often we can end the drama simply by not responding, or by saying “OK” and moving on. No response IS a response, and a powerful one. 
• Accept the reality of who people really are. If you are interacting with difficult family members, don’t attempt to change them. You will only get into a power struggle that causes defensiveness and invites criticism. Remember, there is only one person you can control or change: yourself! This can feel frustrating, but when we display and model positive behaviors, others are more likely to follow our lead. And even if their negative behaviors continue, at least you can look back on your choices and feel proud that you acted calmly and maturely.
• Be curious. Sharing holidays with family who hold different values and beliefs can be stressful! If you decide to engage in discussions about topics on which you disagree, instead of trying to defend your point of view or persuade the other person to your way of thinking, approach your family members with curiosity. Actively listen and seek to understand their point of view. Being genuinely curious about their beliefs, values, hopes, and fears helps to open up a deeper dialogue. When you get to the core of what’s important to your family member, it often allows a richer understanding that may not have seemed possible had you chosen to “debate” them.
• Know your limits. It is OK to limit the time you spend around family. Set up realistic limits and stick to them. Plan time or activities that allow you to take care of yourself – this may mean taking a walk, enjoying a good book for an hour, listening to a podcast, soaking in a warm bath, or other activities that take you away from the holiday stress and help you recharge. In the words of Audre Lorde, “Self care is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.”
• Forget about perfection. A wise person once said, “The key to happiness is low expectations.” Too often we strive for perfection and set ourselves up for failure. Instead of focusing on what isn’t perfect about your holiday, make a point to recognize everything you have to appreciate.
• Help others feel recognized and appreciated. Sometimes in our own stress we forget that the holidays are stressful for others as well. Help your family members feel more relaxed, loved, and valued by making a point to tell them something you appreciate about them, or by clearly recognizing something they have done well over the past year. We too often assume others know what we are thinking or how we feel about them. Just a few words of love, support, appreciation, or encouragement can mean a lot to our loved ones.

We hope these tips help you as you prepare for holidays! 

CCMA founders Dr. Charlene Berquist and Heather Blades offered an interactive virtual workshop on how to give feedback for improvement this past October for Missouri State faculty, staff, and administrators.

This workshop, offered as part of the Center for Dispute Resolution's campus conflict workshop series, provided a fun skill-building session for nearly 30 participants. Read on to learn more about the session.
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Feedback For Improvement
Constructive feedback can be a gift, but often the feedback we give is ineffective. This is particularly true when it comes to giving feedback on areas where improvement is needed, whether this feedback comes in the form of yearly reviews, ADPs, grading, etc. Others may dismiss our feedback, become angry and defensive, or feel frustrated and unsure of how to improve their performance. As a result relationships are damaged and valuable opportunities for growth are lost.

Giving effective feedback is an art, and this session helped participants learn how to regularly provide constructive feedback that reinforces desired behaviors in others and identifies ways people can make positive changes.

In this interactive online session, participants had the opportunity to:

• Investigate the characteristics of effective and ineffective feedback.
• Learn how our traditional approaches to giving feedback are often ineffective and even destructive.
• Explore how people respond to feedback and why ineffective feedback is often rejected and fails to promote behavior change.
• Practice giving effective feedback for improvement.
• Examine their current approaches to giving feedback and make concrete plans for how to provide others with effective feedback for improvement.

Learn More
For more information on customized workshops like this one, email [email protected]. 

This August 26-27 CCMA founders Dr. Charlene Berquist and Heather Blades will provide virtual training in facilitating Family Group Conferences (FGCs) for the Office of Dispute Resolution and Family Court Programs in the 7th Judicial Circuit. The training, offered through the Center for Dispute Resolution at Missouri State University, will explore how FGCs can be used by schools, social service agencies, and others to benefit youth and families. The training will prepare participants to facilitate FGCs for families referred by the Clay County Family Court.

 What Are Family Group Conferences (FGCs)
FGCs are family-led meetings in which family, friends, and other supportive people in the lives of a family or youth come together to make a plan to address difficulties or challenges faced by the family or youth. The FGC is supported by an independent facilitator, who helps the family prepare for the FGC and guides the conference. In an FGC, families are empowered to express needs, verbalize concerns, identify resources, and create their own robust plans to support the family or youth in managing challenges, which may include truancy, behavioral issues, academic concerns, parent engagement, etc. Outside agencies (such as the school system, juvenile office, etc.) may provide information on things that the family should address in their plan, but the family decides the best way to support the family or youth in achieving their goals. 

About the FREE Training
This training is free for participants who are interested in co-facilitating FGCs for families referred by the Clay County Family Court. For more information on Clay County’s FGC program and facilitation compensation, please email [email protected]. To register for this training visit https://bit.ly/36FNIpa.

This training will cover the following:

• the philosophical underpinning of the FGC model;
• the goals and benefits of the process;
• appropriate behaviors, role, and responsibilities for a facilitator;
• strategies for building strong family support networks;
• how to prepare family members for an FGC; and
• how to effectively coordinate an FGC meeting.

CCMA's Founders and Family Group Conferencing
Family Group Conferencing is a flexible process that can be used in a variety of contexts, and Dr. Berquist and Ms. Blades have a long history of providing FGC services and training.

In the Regional Partnership Grant (RPG) program, the Berquist and Blades trained and coordinated volunteer facilitators who provided FGC services for parents receiving substance abuse treatment through Alternative Opportunities, Inc.. In these FGCs, families developed plans to support the parent(s) in recovery and ensure the safety and well-being of the children involved.

As part of a Title II grant, the CDR (led by Berquist and Blades) prepared and supported volunteer facilitators who provided FGCs for at-risk girls and young women referred by the Greene County Juvenile Office. In these FGCs, families focused on developing plans to address each youth’s behavior or difficulties (including juvenile offending, status offenses, truancy, relationship issues, etc.). The FGCs also addressed concerns identified by the Juvenile Office, school, family, and youth.

In addition to providing Family Group Conferencing as a part of its community programming, Berquist and Blades have an extensive history of offering customized training in facilitating FGCs for child welfare organizations, community groups, and others. Past training clients have included Great Circle, the Omaha Tribe Peacemaker Project, the Healthy Families Taskforce, and the Office of Dispute Resolution and Family Court Programs in the 7th Judicial Circuit.

For more information on training in Family Group Conferencing check out this webpage or email [email protected]. 

On February 9, 2019, CCMA founders Dr. Char Berquist and Heather Blades led a victim-offender dialogue training for Missouri State students and area community members. This training, offered by the Center for Dispute Resolution (CDR) at Missouri State University, prepared participants to volunteer with the CDR facilitating  dialogues between someone whose offense has caused harm and those impacted by their actions.

This process will be applied to two types of case referrals: juvenile offenders referred by the Greene County Juvenile Office, and Missouri State students who have violated the University Code of Student Rights and Responsibilities.

About Victim-Offender Dialogue
Victim-offender dialogue is a facilitated discussion between someone who has committed an offense and the person/people impacted by that offense.

• All parties are prepared in advance to take part in a structured dialogue about the harm caused.
• Those involved have a chance to “tell their story” and ask questions of one another.
• The parties then work together to develop a plan to repair the harm caused and hold the person whose actions caused the harm accountable. This plan may include the payment of restitution, the completion of meaningful community or University service, or other creative options.
• The goal of the plan is both to repair the harm but also to reintegrate students who have committed conduct violations into the University community.

About the Training
​This training covered basic restorative justice principles and prepared participants to volunteer to facilitate Victim-Offender Dialogues in two types of cases: with juvenile offenders referred by the Greene County Juvenile Office, and with Missouri State students who have violated the University Code of Student Rights and Responsibilities.

No prior mediation experience is necessary to become a volunteer victim-offender dialogue facilitator.  Dr. Berquist and Ms. Blades have been providing outstanding training in Victim-Offender Dialogue Facilitation (Victim-Offender Mediation)for 1 5+ years, and are also experienced in providing program development support. 

For more information on Victim-Offender Dialogue Training, email [email protected].